We're in Thailand. And I'm, in part, trying to discern a call that may never come. We've visited and encouraged missionaries and feel good about that, but there is an unsettled part of my soul.
Throughout my life, after my conversion, I have clearly discerned the call of God, to go here, to do this, to leave that, to speak a word...but since retiring and renouncing the jurisdiction of the now apostate Presbyterian Church (USA), I'm feeling a bit lost, joyfully so in many ways. I have surrendered my ordination. I have cast off the outmoded and inherently prone to pride and power, structure of denominationalism. And I have moved to the mountain wherein I await God's direction.
In that I have wrestled with finding a call. I have preached here and there. I lead a Bible Study now and again. I am part of a worshipping community, but am seeking something more.
Sometimes I am jealous of those pastors who are content to see retirement as their "reward for faithful service" a time when they can choose their calling, and generally choose golf, good wine, time with grandchildren, and time by the pool...who may present the seashells they have collected in retirement to the Lord on His return as their share of the talents he has given.
But I feel the heaviness of guilt, when He has given us such resources - experience, knowledge, wisdom, education, a secure source of funding AND TIME. How is it not that we should pursue even more passionately the call of God? And are we truly convinced that growing old with a cute family and a comfortable house, a nice car, good friends and a worshipping community is enough.
To the left is looking down on a pathway. Yes the metal grid is for vines to grow over to shield those waking on the pathway under them from the sun. Chiang Rai, Thailand has seen the worst flooding in 30 years. Nan, Thailand the worst in 100 years. Next door in Burma, women and children are raped by the military with impunity. Here in Thailand boys and girls are sold into the sex slave trade, daily, by the hundreds, perhaps even thousands. And one of the top recipients of those sex slaves, is the USA.
And we sit around our tables giving God thanks that we are safe. Oh we worry about the economy. We argue about who the next president will be and how awful it would be if so and so won. And lives are destroyed while we enjoy that glass of wine feeling no guilt and no responsibility. "We're retired." "We're too old." "We've done our part." "They made the mess, let them clean it up." "I'm doing my part. I give my tithe...."
It would be easiest to give in to the complacency. My children and grandchildren are important. I love them. But Jesus has said that no one who loves their family more than Him is of much use to Him...
He restored Peter by asking "do you love me more than these?" (John 21:15-25)
"Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; any one who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." Matthew 10:37
So how do we, who have discerned God's call to go here, to leave here and go there, to leave there and go there, throughout our lives of ministry, settle so easily and unapologetically, into retirement.
Asking for a friend...
